Saying goodbye is not for the faint of heart

In 1963, at the age of 19, my mother entrusted her first-born son to strangers who desired to have a son of their own.  Years later, when I learned of my brother, I never understood how truly brave this was until I sadly saw my own daughter die.  Saying goodbye is not for the faint of heart.  My mother chose to allow someone else the opportunity to raise her son and give him what she knew she could not. 

I was not privy to the heartbreak my mother carried for many years, she carried this in secret.  When I found out that I had a brother, my heart broke for my mother and for myself.  I knew I had find him.  I wanted very much to let him know he was always welcome in my life in whatever capacity he desired.  What I did not realize at such a young age was, although I had a brother, he was also my mother’s child.  She had relationship that superseded my own desires.  My mom had agreed to boundaries that she promised never to cross and those promises needed to be honoured by me.  I struggled to accept this choice and did my best to abide by her wishes.  I think I can say, although I wanted fully understand, the selfishness in my heart was a constant struggle for me.

Over the years, my mother and I would often have two very different conversations.  Talks about how hard it was for her to say goodbye to her child and the discussions about why it was not ok for me to find my brother without her approval.  She consistently told me, “I made a promise and I will not break it.  If he chooses to look for us, I will accept him with open arms.  But I will not go against my word.”  For a long time I resented this wish, but I now respect my mother so much because of it. 

As years turned into decades, the need to find my brother turned to feelings of desperation.  I worried that life may never allow me the privilege of meeting him, even if for one time.  I purposed that if my mother should pass away before I met him that I was not beholden to her promise and would search him out.  Truthfully, I knew I could not wait that long.  I secretly searched any anonymous sites I could that listed Birth Records; all with no success.  In 2013, my husband and I moved to the city where my mother had given birth so many years ago.  I searched the local library and archives of census records but found nothing.  I was frustrated. 

I tossed around thoughts of DNA testing, thinking that just maybe, he may have done the same.  I never followed through because the thoughts of betraying my mother were always looming.  On May 28, 2018, I was having one of my “battle of the minds” and decided I was going to take the chance and just buy a personal DNA test.  I sat on the sofa with my iPad in my lap.  I pulled up the Ancestry.ca site and clicked on the button that put one DNA test in the online shopping cart.  As I sat there staring at the pending order for some time I eventually dozed off  with my finger sitting on the button to complete my purchase.   

"I have something to tell you."

Suddenly I was wakened to the sound of my cell phone ringing.  It was my mother.  My mother does not call often (I call her) so I automatically presumed something horrible was happening.  That was not the case.  As I answered the phone she said, “I have something to tell you.  You know that thing you always wanted to do…you can do it now.”  Still dazed and sleepy it took my groggy mind a moment to compute what she just said.  With a wave of realization, I suddenly understood the reference to finding my brother. “WHAT” was the first word out of my mouth, followed by “HOW” and finally “WHEN?”  My heart raced and my mind raced even faster.  She explained that my brother had contacted her via email and voice message and that they had connected by telephone that night.

After I said good-bye, I looked down at my iPad with disbelief and deleted my order on Ancestry.ca.  I no longer needed to go down that path.  As most people do in this day of Social Media, I searched for his name on Facebook.  The profile photo that came up shocked me.  I looked at it and found myself staring into the eyes of my mother.  There was no doubt in my mind that this was my blood, the long lost part of me that I was longing to find. 

The next moments I found myself paralyzed with fear and questions.  Would he be interested in knowing us or did he just want to meet us and that would be enough for him?  Would our crazy family humour of sarcasm and quick comebacks scare him away?   That night as I lay in bed, I watched the minutes turn into hours and told myself that these questions could not be answered by stewing over them.  Finally at 3:00 am on May 29, 2018, I wrote my first words to the man, who I now referred to as my “New/Old” Brother.  I asked him if he was the same man who had spoken with my (our) mother earlier.  I laid back down, and tried to sleep.  I thought sending a message and “putting it out there” would allow me to rest, however; images of the man with my mother’s eyes were all I could see. 

Morning arrived and I felt like I was in a dream.  Thirty years of actually waiting for this moment, how could it possibly have arrived!  Feelings of desperation were now exchanged with anticipation and disbelief.  I headed off to work and periodically checked my Facebook Messenger for an answer.  Not too far into the morning, a notification came up on my phone.  I stared at it for a moment and then opened it.  A squeal of joy came out of my mouth as I read his email and his embracing my invitation to connect. 

I cannot explain the next few days and weeks.  It was filled with flurries of text messages, phone calls and eventually a Facebook Messenger “Sibling” chat.  Quickly our relationship as siblings began to develop and grow.

My mother and my brother, have created a very separate relationship than we as siblings.  I allow my mother and brother's relationship to be sacred to only them. The five of us have become a little nucleus, joking, laughing and sharing our daily lives.   Our Sibling Chat gives us the opportunity to share photos, stories and experiences with each other as a group.  As siblings, this experience with my brother has allowed all of us to have contact that is more regular.  With our family living miles apart from each other, we were not always the best at connecting.  He was the glue we all needed.

Now as we approach the one-year celebration of uniting our family, I look back at this time with so many emotions and feelings.  I am so grateful for every conversation, every interaction and every moment I have been able to spend with him and his family.  He and I geographically live the closest to each other and I relish each opportunity I can to be with him.  I cannot explain the feelings of completeness that now reside in my heart.  I told my husband, it is mind boggling how I can feel such love and admiration for another man that is completely on a different level than I experience with anyone else.  Do not get me wrong; I love and adore my two other brothers, but growing up creates a sense of familiarity that I do not have with my new/old brother. 

Now as I approach May 29, 2019, I think of our first phone call, our first video chat, our first hug, him visiting my home, New Years with our sister, meeting my niece and nephew, and a Toronto Blue Jay’s game together.  We are engrained in each other’s lives in way that I know will never be undone.  As for my questions about him…these are slowly being realized and any worries put to rest. 

I realize that not everyone who has been part of an adoption, whether it be themselves or the birth family, desire this type of reunion.  Some others may long for it but sadly do not experience it in the same beautiful way.  What I can say is that for me is, this was my prayer for 30 years and God answered perfectly it in his timing and in his way.  I also believe that my brother grew up right where he needed to and with whom he needed to.  All his parents did right by him.  It was because of all of them that he is who he is today.  One mother prayed daily for his wellbeing and safety.  The other raised him and guided him to become the man he is today.  I believe EVERYTHING happens in the right timing and I believe EVERYONE has a God ordained journey that needs to transpire accordingly. 

As I end this post, I would like to take a moment to pay respects to D's sister and his extended family who have observed our reunion.  I cannot imagine watching the brother I grew up with unite with others he calls family and build a relationship with them.  B you are a woman of grace who has selflessly stood by while all this flurry of craziness has transpired.  I respect you and your sibling relationship of past, present and future. 

Ciao for now